Three words come to mind when I think of my Dad.
Narcissist, Selfish and Liar.
These days I have developed a love/hate relationship with my Dad, and to be frank with you it is leaning more towards hate. Growing up I lacked a positive male role model and this was pretty evident when it came to the type of man that I would attract. There is this understanding that Father’s often influence the men we choose as partners. Thankfully, after several dud relationships and a lot of self love I was able to find and marry a genuinely lovely man and now share two gorgeous boys together.
Dad failed me before I was even born. When my Mum was several months pregnant with me, she discovered that he was having an affair with an another woman/women. I don’t know much about what actually happened during this time, but I remember being told a by Mum. She phoned him at the local Pub and threatened murder if he did not call it off! I was only a couple of weeks old at this point.
Dad failed me as a child.
He was an alcoholic, gambler, womanizer and chain smoker. Thinking back to when I was seven or eight, I remember coming home from school, and I was made to run to the laundry to fetch a bucket for him to vomit into. There was this other incident where I came home with my Mum to find him passed out naked on the floor of our lounge, head phones still attached to his head. This was the norm for us. Each afternoon after school, I would be given a gold coin and spend at the local Milk Bar. This was mostly done to keep me out of the house so he could drink until he was drunk. I also forgot to thank him for high dental bills due to regular fillings. Thank goodness for Health Insurance as I simply could not afford the bill.
His alcoholism was so bad that he hid his cans of beer in the cistern of the toilet and threw his evidence over the fence, into the back alley. There were so many, they required several large garbage bags after a neighbor demanded them removed. At the peak of his addiction he drank methylated spirits just so he could get that hit. He almost lost his job as a signalman for the Victorian Railway because he often went and continued to drink at work.
For obvious reasons his addiction placed pressure on his marriage to my Mum, so the fights and arguments were pretty gargantuan. I would be screaming, tears streaming down my face yelling at them to stop fighting. Mum once knocked him unconscious with a vacuum pipe, and even though it had a huge bend in the pipe it still continued to work well. I once got in the way of their argument. Dad grabbed me by my hair and aimed it at our glass sliding door causing it to crack. Plus at the peak of their fighting, knives were once drawn. Dad was warned by the Victorian Police that if another DVO was submitted then he would be removed from the home and would likely spend a short period of his life in jail. This was my life…
Dad failed me as a young woman.
Thankfully by then Dad had given his alcohol addiction away. However having an addictive personality it was always replaced with something else. I was troubled, and made very poor and uninformed choices, mostly because of my toxic home environment.
Have you heard about the cycle of domestic abuse? This is what I learnt and experienced during my very first relationship with a boy. I was fifteen when I first met him, he was a good eighteen months younger than me. Looking from the outside, he came from a well off and intelligent family however he was an abusive, controlling, manipulative and jealous young man. I was never given insight on how to respect myself or gain the respect of others, especially from boys. Looking back, its sad that I would have preferred to spend time with an awful boyfriend than be with my family. Plus the fact that nothing was done to help me.
Dad failed me as a woman.
Dad continued to have affairs, and this is what broke the camels back for my Mother. I was and remain thankful that their marriage was finally over. It was sweet relief, because honestly it was all I ever wanted. I wanted normalcy, I wanted the dysfunction to end, and most of all I hoped that I would have a better relationship with both my parents. There has been turbulent times with my Mum, but our relationship has just continued to blossom. I love her dearly, and it is nice to know that she is so thankful to have me as her daughter. However the relationship I now have with my Dad has only deteriorated further. Mostly after the way he treated my son Lucas when he was last visiting. He is known as Grumpy Poppy which is just sad.
Dad has failed me today.
I have two gorgeous sons, one he has met and one he is yet to meet. You see, I live in Perth and he lives in Brisbane so there is no denying that the distance is great. But, his partner and her mother will be flying to Perth next year, and he has decided not to come. He was even offered to have his flight paid for by his new mother in law. This broke my heart, and yet after having a confrontation with him he still chooses not to come. I have gotten to a point in my life where I think to myself if he was just not related to me, I would not pursue a friendship at all. So…why should I pursue a relationship with a man who chooses not to reciprocate my love?
What I am thankful for today. I am thankful for who I am. I like me…no, I love me. If it was not for my dysfunctional upbringing, I would not be the person I am today. I am a helper, I am a doer, and I love those who love me unconditionally. I am thankful that my sons have a positive role model, and I am thankful that I have a husband who respects me.
Thank you Dad for teaching me resilience, compassion, empathy, developing a thick skin, and having the ability to speak out. However I am not thankful for how I acquired these traits.
I feel better, I needed this post.
Much love
Melanie xx
I’m so sorry you had such a tough time growing up. You must be so very strong to go through what you have. I’m glad you know that the way you were treated was wrong and you have learnt that you deserve better. So much better!
Big hugs Melanie. I also grew up with an addict but I’m happy that they turned their life around in time to give me away at my wedding.
I’m sure you’ll give your kids the childhood you never had xox
Thank you Lucy. This is so lovely of you. I am so proud I broke the cycle, and my children will be thankful of that. Much love xx
That is amazing Lauren. What a relief that they owned it and changed their life around. Absolutely, my children are my priority and will always come first xx
maybe you need to go to a 3rd world country and see how horrible the lives of people are. at least you get to eat 3 meals a day. Did your father hold a steady job for much of his life to support you, because you seem to elaborate on the negatives and don’t express any positives in your life. The whole fact that you had the opportunity to attend uni shows me that there was a drive and motivation within you to achieve and therefore there must have been a model for hardwork apparent in your family, where did that come from Melanie. It appears to me you are very bored with your life, you say you have 2 kids, well I would be spending quality time with them, reading books to them, playing in the yard with them. I can only imagine how many hours you spent scripting this appalling drama about your childhood when all this time should have been used moving forward with your new life with your husband and children. I am disappointed that someone of your age would portray their own father this way. Why put a photo of him lovingly holding you by a train in this website if you portray him as a pathetic person. You sound very shallow.
I noticed that my comment is awaiting moderation. does this mean that my comment wont be seen unless you scrutinize it. I have a feeling you will only publisize comments that support your perspectives about life. I believe if you choose to open your own site and bring up all your parents lives and memories you had of them, then there should be opinions for or against your views on them allowed to be published for all to see. you have painted your father badly and I cant believe your husband, a navel technician would allow you to script what you have, that says a lot about him I must say. As your children grow and get older through all the stages in their lives, you will see things differently. The challenges you are yet to face yourself with your kids will make you think twice about what you have said about your own father who did the best he could with what he had, just like we all do. Show some heart before you write things melanie, life is too short to waste on stuff like this.
Hi Beatrix,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to react to what is, essentially, something that is none of your business. I assume you are very busy as your poor attention to correct grammar, punctuation and spelling could only have been brought on by someone who has much more important things to do, than express an opinion on something she clearly has no idea about.
It also my be very difficult for you to read, as you sit in your ivory tower passing judgement on someone you hardly know.
Now, I realise that as a Naval Technician (as opposed to a Navel Technician – I’m not much of a belly button expert) you must think I should control my wife and put her back in the kitchen, tending to mine and our children’s needs, am I right? I assure you, I made sure all the housework is done, and that the children are fed, washed and in bed before I allow her some personal time. After all, this isn’t the 21st Century, is it?
Time for a couple of reality checks for you Beatrix;
Your comments were awaiting approval because we were busy administering to our children. Mel was breastfeeding Flynn, and I was busy making sure our eldest son, Lucas, received a nutritious and healthy breakfast. Sure, overall the post has a negative slant, and to be honest, that is Mel’s prerogative. If she felt she needed to get those things off her chest, then I fully support that and it’s is hardly yours, or anyone else’s place to pass judgement on that.
As her husband, I fully support my wife in her views and opinions. After all, this is indeed the 21st Century, where women are allowed to vote, should expect equal pay and rights, same sex marriage should most definitely be legal, and, heaven forbid, slavery has been abolished and black people are free to roam the streets! When will the madness end?
I’m sure by now that you’re horrified at the kind of people we are, exercising our right to freedom of thought and speech, all the while busy not paying attention to our children. Who by the way will be taught to be free thinkers and completely go against the status quo.
Next time you read a blog post and feel compelled to give the author a piece of your small, feeble, 1950’s mind, may I kindly suggest you log off, step outside take a good look around at how the world has changed.
Kind Regards and Best Wishes,
Chris & Melanie
Well Mel, I’ve never commented before however; you have had interesting childhood to say the least, that it was considered normal then. But as educated people know that this is not acceptable and is mental abuse at its finest. You’ve come through to the worst and as you stated some self discovery along the way. Well done, and you have definitely broken the cycle with Chris. I only know of his honesty and integrity through other colleagues and he will be by your side through thick and thin.
I am concerned that the Beatrix Woman had such strong opinions of a time when she and I presume was not witness to these situations you have shared. Beatrix should understand that these are your memories and experiences of a man who was meant to protect you, guide you and keep you safe. Obviously she is accepting of domestic violence and is accepting of many other abhorrent things done to children as she believes your not been honest. To imply you scripted these stories because your bored is ignorant and she lacks any compassion for you. The man she knows is not the man you know and therefore she should refrain from these kinds of comments. Your pain is real and your memory is a personal experience and no one has the right to challenge or judge you.
To Beatrix – Melanie and Chris are intelligent and wise to know that their parents behaviours were creeping in on their parenting and should be commended for not only recognising and wanting to change these behaviours to benefit their children but to admit that old ways don’t work. Melanie had a mother who guided her when her father was too drunk or too abusive. A mother who had more of a positive input that the male in her young life. Steady job my arse, he’s just lucky he could work and piss his money away.
To Mel, I stood along side you along time ago against a person for bulling because I felt you were a beautiful woman, who was smart, funny, gorgeous (right Chris) and who was subjected to poor behaviour by a superior, to go on to be where you are now has amazed me. You are strong vibrant woman, You’ve moved across the country, you’ve married and have a family and you’ve continued to work in an area that requires compassion, skill and desire to be the best. Your supported be an amazing man, who has the intelligence to want to change and be a parent.
Beatrix comments come from disbelief, ignorance and willingness to doubt the truth.
As for your Father, unfortunately his behaviour is limited by his parents and their parents before them. He did the best he could with the limited willingness of education that was available to him.
Onward and upward for 2017, keep blogging and I look forward to your next.
Hi Mel
Don’t worry Mel as your aunt and uncle we know exactly what you went through as a young girl. Unfortunately we didn’t find out until the latter of your youth. Once you moved to Queensland we lost touch due to a fight between your dad and us. It’s very regrettable what happened between your parents and you.
You now have a lovely family and good husband.
You now need to let go of the past as it will eat into you and he, your dad is not worth the worry.
No-one really knows how hard it was for you except you.
With love Aunty jo
In my opinion there is no excuse to defend domestic violence, it is a disgusting act and it needs to stop. Here are some facts on Domestic Violence..
Domestic violence refers to violence, abuse and intimidation between people who are or have been in an intimate relationship. The perpetrator uses violence to control and dominate the other person. This causes fear, physical harm and/or psychological harm. Domestic violence is a violation of human rights. It includes emotional abuse, physical assault, sexual assault, verbal abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, isolating a woman from her friends and family and stopping a woman from practicing her religion.
Did you know that over a 12 month period one woman is killed each week by a current or former partner?
To end men’s violence against women we must stand up, speak out and act. Silence and inaction will let this violence continue.
Sometimes it is hard to know what to say when someone makes an inappropriate statement about women or behaves inappropriately towards a woman. Try one of the following tactics:
– If you are with friends and someone says something that makes you uncomfortable or that you feel is wrong, you can say: “I’m not sure what you mean. What did you say?”
– Sometimes people forget they are talking about a real person. To remind them and change the conversation, you can say: “What if this was your sister/daughter/son?”
– Give your opinion to show your disapproval: “I believe abusing a woman is wrong.”
– If you are with a group of people, you’re probably not the only one feeling uncomfortable. Let others know they are not alone and encourage them to speak up by asking: “Am I the only one uncomfortable with this?”
If you would like to support White Ribbon Australia, your donation can help stop this devastating issue that destroys families, health and communities. With your support, we get a step closer to our mission – a nation where all women live in safety, free from all forms of men’s violence and abuse.
White Ribbon is 90% funded by the community and every donation counts. We rely on donations from the community to drive social change and challenge the attitudes and behaviours that can lead to men’s violence against women. Below you can copy and paste this link so you can make a donation.
https://regular.whiteribbon.org.au/donate
If you or someone you know is experiencing violence and need help or support, please contact one of the support services below.
1800RESPECT
Lifeline 131114
000
Best wishes
Melanie
Hi darling. I understand what it feels like to not have love and willingness to reconcile returned. I’ve struggled with it for a couple of years now that it has even lead to depression at its worst.
Stay strong, and stay in love. I feel the only way we let ourselves (and the ‘greater good’ if you believe in it) down is when we succumb to bitterness. It just continues the cycle of hate and progress that the world needs more of… and I feel, deep down, stopping that cycle of hurt is what we desire most of all.
Much love. *hug* Steph